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One of the things I find most challenging in my spiritual walk is being able to ‘let go, and let God’ work within me.  Even when I get on a path where I believe I am acting in spirituality, it is sometimes difficult to remain open to change.  We like where we are, and decide to walk in faith our own way, without remaining open to how it is that HE may wish to work in our lives.  This just happened to me with my writing, which is somewhere I never thought I would find frustration. 

Writing is a challenging hobby that I have wanted to embark on my entire life.  Due to busy schedules and raising my children the opportunity never seemed to present itself until last year, when due to some medical situations I was no longer working outside the home.  My children are now grown so I saw this as an opportunity to give my writing a chance, and since my faith is something I am very passionate about, I made the decision to create a blog.  I sat and thought for a long time over what to name the blog, and was satisfied once I chose If Not For Sunday, since I felt it represented how I truly feel within my spirit and heart.  I strongly believe that we must live every day developing and nurturing a relationship with Christ, aware of the power of God,  while tuning into the stirrings of the Holy Spirit within us.  Simply believing, and attending  church services each Sunday will never create the changes we wish to see in ourselves, and I felt that taking everyone along on my journey might expose the weakness of humanity and the power of how Christ can help us overcome obstacles in our path.  What started out as a sweet message reminding us all to be kind and compassionate has transformed over the year, into a journal of my walk, and the changes that are brought into my life through Christ.  It can be hard to expose myself sometimes, showing weakness, or challenges I face, but through them, we all grow, we all learn, and we all see the power of Christ alive in humanity.

So here I have been, for the past nine months, writing and enjoying my fellowship with those who read my writings.  I found a place on this planet where I am comfortable, I am at home, and I feel like I have something to offer others.  Life was good, and then out of the blue I was  faced a few months ago with the decision of caring for my mother-in-law or putting her in a nursing home.  I prayed on it, and followed His lead, so Mom has come to stay with us and share our home, our laughter, our tears, and most of all our love.  I know it is all that is good, but often I can become frustrated.   It isn’t the work or stresses that come along with taking in an aging family member that was frustrating me, but I was getting upset that my writing was suffering.  Where before I had been able to write freely, I no longer always have that time.  Each time I sit to write it seems Mom needs me for something and I can become frustrated inside in the fact that it is much harder for me to concentrate on writing enough to accomplish what I feel I am called to do.  But is it what I am called to do, or what I wish believe I am called to do?   I am reminded daily that just because I am doing something in the name of Christ doesn’t always make it how Christ wishes to work in me at any given time.  It is then that I must be faithful and be reminded that I must let go and let God.  In doing this even more has now been revealed to me.

Mom was raised a very strict Catholic, and I do not ever recall her missing church.  She and Dad went to confession each Saturday, followed by Sunday morning Mass.  She went to church on every holy day in between, and even when her mother passed away she wore black for a year.  She had an altar in her home on the dresser in her mother’s room, and prayed there daily.  As she got older she kept to this as much as possible, and I remember that whenever we would visit her in Florida she still sat each morning reciting her rosary after eating her breakfast. I always had felt intimidated and pretty lame, since I was too afraid to even have her teach me what it was she actually did with those rosary beads, but somehow it was very important in her spiritual life.

 Since coming here two months ago I haven’t seen her do her rosary once.  She has sets of rosary beads on her dresser, on her lamp, and has her statues set nicely in her room, but I haven’t seen even a spark of the religious rituals she had always embarked on.  So the other day, while eating our lunch together, I asked Mom, who is 85 years old, why I don’t see her doing her rosary anymore.  I thought maybe she had forgotten how, in her old age, and was willing to help her with this if necessary.  I was very surprised at her response.  She started crying, and said that she thought God, and her husband who had passed away 8 years ago, might be angry with her.  She explained how she had been going to the cemetery every day after Dad died.  She would sit on a bench and just sit for hours, since she knew of no other life than the one she had lived with her husband of over 50 years.  It was so sad.  After some time the elderly gentleman, who was the groundskeeper for the cemetery, would come to sit and visit with her.  They became friends, and over the past years have become very close.  Somehow Mom has gotten it into her head that although she didn’t do anything she believes is ‘wrong’, she fears that her husband and God are angry with her for finding this male friend.  My heart broke as she sobbed and disclosed this separation from God and prayer.  I sat with her for a long time;  long after the tea had gone cold, explaining how God was not angry with her at all.  I spoke of how Dad would have wanted her to find companionship, and a friend, since he was not there any longer to fill her days with joy.  I took the words from my bible and showed her how God is a loving God, and even if she had done something wrong in her life, He forgives us.  He wants nothing but to share a relationship with us, and I explained that because she thought He was angry with her, she was depriving both God and herself with the friendship that they had shared her entire life.  After I felt I had said more than enough on the subject without pressuring her, I got up, cleared our plates, and settled her into her chair in the family room to enjoy her afternoon shows.  Yet for the remainder of the day Mom’s words weighed heavily on my heart.  How sad she was that her relationship with God had been severed because she felt she had done something where she needed to hide her face from His light.  She was such a good woman who had done nothing to make her feel this way, yet somehow she felt guilt, and as we know when we feel guilty, we run and we hide; much as Adam and Eve did in the Garden so long ago.

Over the next day or two I did not bring up the subject, fearing she would be sorry for sharing her fears with me, but chose a different path instead.  I used every opportunity to bring Christ into conversations while being very careful not to overplay it, where she would catch on to what I was doing. I simply used small things as reminders of how much He cares for us, and about us.  Then yesterday, as I was attempting to run to the store to go grocery shopping, the phone just would not stop ringing.  I needed to leave, and was very frustrated, since I was expecting a call from Mom’s doctor that I didn’t want to miss, so it kept delaying me.  I finally looked at Mom, and said I needed to leave.  I put the phone next to her, and told her if they called to tell them that I would call them back as soon as I returned.  As I was walking out I jokingly said to her that it was a good thing that God is a patient, loving, and forgiving God, because He certainly had His work cut out dealing with me and my patience level.  It wasn’t much, but it would hopefully add to the picture of God that I was trying to instill in her mind, that was so filled with fear of rejection from Him.

Then last night my oldest son came to me and asked if everything was okay with Grandma.  He said that while I was at the store yesterday Mom had gotten up to use the restroom.  She was gone much longer than he figured was normal, so he had gone to check on her.  He found her sitting on her bed;  crying, and holding her rosary beads, but was afraid to disturb her.   He just wanted to let me know that something was bothering her, that maybe I could help her with.  I smiled, as my eyes filled with tears, and I told my son that nothing was wrong at all, and in fact, everything was more right than he would ever know.  God is good.  He found a way to bring her back to Him, and showed me that whether I am finding the time to write, or finding the time to read; to smile at a stranger, or to tie the shoe of a small child, it is through serving Him that all things are possible.  Not only are they possible, they are most highly  probable!  Praise to you Lord Jesus Christ.

Psalm 119

49 Remember your word to your servant,
for you have given me hope.
50 My comfort in my suffering is this:
Your promise preserves my life.

Matthew 5:14-16
“You are the light of the world. A city set on a hill cannot be hidden. “Nor do men light a lamp, and put it under the peck-measure, but on the lampstand; and it gives light to all who are in the house. “Let your light shine before men in such a way that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father who is in heaven.

Matthew 23:11
“But the greatest among you shall be your servant

Philippians 2:1-4
If therefore there is any encouragement in Christ, if there is any consolation of love, if there is any fellowship of the Spirit, if any affection and compassion, make my joy complete by being of the same mind, maintaining the same love, united in spirit, intent on one purpose. Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind let each of you regard one another as more important than himself; do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others.

 

Matthew 28:18-20

And Jesus came and spoke to them, saying, “All authority has been given to Me in heaven and on earth. Go therefore and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all things that I have commanded you; and lo, I am with you always, even to the end of the age.” Amen

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